Jednostavno ne vredi! ////// It`s simply not worth it!

Iako naslov možda tako zvuči, ovo nije jedan pesimističan post. Reči koje slede nose snagu i volju da se prihvate neke neminovnosti u životu, čak i kada smo istrošeni i kada imamo osećaj da nam se ceo svet srušio.

Ovaj post indirektno priča o konfliktima. Pre neki dan sam studentima držala predavanje baš o konfliktima i pričala kako oni mogu biti i funkcionalni. Mogu se iskoristiti za napredak, za neka nova znanja i iskustva, za nadogradnju ličnosti i ponašanja. I upravo tog dana, u privatnom životu iskusih vrhunac jednog prolongiranog konflikta na kraju kog sam osećala da su mi svi kapaciteti istrošeni, kao i spektar mogućnosti da se nešto popravi po pitanju nastalog konflikta. I onda se zapitah: "pa kako sad da iskoristim ovaj konflikt, kada osećam kao da nemam kuda dalje?"
 
Kada je reč o konfliktima, obično kao jedino prihvatljivo rešenje vidimo uspostavljanje saradnje ili barem kompromisa. I u mojoj situaciji sam imala osećaj da sam baš tome i stremila, i da sam iskoristila sve svoje kapacitete da postignem neko prihvatljivo rešenje. Ali, do njega nisam uspela da dođem.


Stvari su jednostavne. Neprijatne, ali realne i neminovne. Da bi se postigla saradnja na kraju konflikta, za to su potrebne obe strane. Ponekad je zaista jedna strana u pravu, ali druga to ne vidi. Ponekad su obe u pravu, ali ne žele da žrtvuju bilo šta od svoga. Meni je ovo bio već neki put u životu da sam došla do momenta kada sam osećala da mi je načinjena strašna nepravda, da se nije cenilo ono što sam radila i da sam sve pokušala, a opet naišla na nerazumevanje, i čak optužbe. Posle puno trošenja i napora da pokažem drugoj strani kako nije u pravu povodom nekih stvari, samo mi je sinula ona eureka lampica i rekla sam sebi: NE VREDI! Jednostavno, ne vredi! Mogu dubiti na glavi, ali druga strana misli da je ona u pravu.

Kao psihologu ovakav zaključak već koji put u životu nije mi legao, jer uvek mislim da postoji neko rešenje. Da, postoji rešenje i u ovoj situaciji. A to je da prihvatimo činjenicu da se ne razumemo i da nastavimo dalje. Naravno, uvek rešenje može biti da se tu i raziđete, ali ako je u pitanju osoba sa kojom se mora ili želi nastaviti dalje, nekada je jedino rešenje upravo to - nastaviti dalje, i ostaviti nanetu nepravdu i loša osećanja iza sebe.

To nije lako. Često se sve te ružne emocije vraćaju. Nekad samo taknu, nekad se vrate kao bumerang. Jer i za to da se sve ostavi iza i da se nastavi dalje su potrebne obe strane. No, garancija nema!
 
Ja još uvek osećam blagu gorčinu zbog proteklih događaja, ali mi je sada mnogo bolje. Kada sam shvatila da sam učinila sve što sam mogla  Kada sam shvatila da JEDNOSTAVNO NE VREDI!


English version

Even though the title maybe sounds pesimistic, this is not such post. The following words are carrying strength and will for accepting some inevitable facts in life, even when we are feeling burned out and like the whole world has fallen down in front of us.

This post indirectly is about conflicts. A few days ago I was holding a lecture about conflict to students, and I was talking about how conflicts can be functional. They can be used for a progression in life, for new knowledge and skills, for improving of a personality and behaviour. And exactly that day I experienced the peak of one prolonged conflict in my private life at the end of which I felt like all my capacities were used, as the possibilities to do something concerning this conflict. And then I wondered: "how to use this conflict for a better future, when I`m feeling like I don`t have anywhere to go with it?".

When it`s about conflicts, usually the only acceptable solution that we see about it is cooperation or at least compromise. In my situation I was feeling as if I was streaming exactly towards that, and that I had used all my capacities to reach some acceptable solution. However, I didn`t manage to reach it!
The things are simple. Not pleasant, but realistic and inevitable. To reach the cooperation in conflict, you need both sides for that. Sometimes really only one side is right, and the other one is not seeing things clearly. Sometimes both sides are right, but they don`t want to sacrifice something of theirs. For me this was not the first time in life that I felt that a big injustice was done to me, and that it wasn`t appreciated all the things I had done even though I had tried everything, and still wasn`t given the understanding, but got only the accusations. After much effort and trying to show the other side that they are not right concerning some things, I was just lightened with that eureka lamps and I told myself: It`s not worth it! It`s simply not worth it! I can stand on my head if I want to, but the other side will still think that they`re right.

As a psychologist this kind of conclusion didn`t suit me, because I think that there`s always some kind of solution. Yes, there is a solution in this situation also. And that is to accept that we don`t understand each other and to move on. Of course, there can always be a solution to go separate ways, but when it`s about a person with whom we have or want to move on, sometimes the only solution is exactly that - to move one, and leave the injustice and bad feelings behind you.

It`s not easy. Often all those bad emotions are coming back. Sometimes they just touch you, sometimes they come back as a boomerang. Because, for leaving it behind you also need both sides. However, there are no guarantees.

I still feel some kind of bitterness towards the previous events, but I`m feeling much better. When I realised that I`ve done everything I could. When I realised that it`s just NOT WORTH IT!

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