One day, baby, we`ll be old...

*Scroll down for English version

Shvatila sam da se u životu puno bavim temom ljubavi i veza. Možda zato što je to svojstveno ženama, možda zato što sam psiholog, zato što sam analitična? U svakom slučaju, često sa poznanicima razmenjujem mišljenja na ovu temu. Nekima je to patetično, nekima gubljenje vremena, ali ima li životnije teme od ljubavi?

I kada tako pričamo o njoj, često se dotaknemo pitanja: kako održati ljubav kada se ona već desi?

U početku ljubavi prvo doživimo zaljubljenost, ili po naški rečeno: zaljubljeni smo do ušiju ili zaljubljene kao ćurke. Ne vidimo loše strane druge osobe, vidimo samo njega i nikoga drugog i teško prihvatamo bilo šta ili bilo koga ko može da nam umanji tu silinu predivnih osećanja koja nosimo u sebi. Usmereni smo samo na to kako da se dobro provedemo sa tom osobom, kako da nam bude lepo, i trudimo se da održimo sva ta osećanja. Neminovnim neprijatnim stvarima tu nekako nema mesta. Ili ih ignorišemo. Leptirići u stomaku, žmarci u rukama. Kao da smo u nekoj drugoj dimenziji. Onda dođe ljubav, koja nije baš toliko intenzivna, ali je dugotrajnija, sigurnija, funkcionalnija. U takvom opisu ljubav ispade dosadna, za ne poželeti i verovatno će neki od vas reći "ljubav treba da bude spontana, na njoj ne treba raditi". Da, ona se DESI spontano, ali da bi trajala, treba je zalivati, negovati, i tu nema ničeg ružnog. Jer u suprotnom, svako od nas će, kad se jednog dana probudi i pomisli "Bože, pa da li ga ja danas volim" (što je normalna pojava), pobeći glavom bez obzira, zbog pogrešnog uverenja da ljubav mora biti jaka svakog dana, i da je to 100% stihijska pojava.


Pa kako je onda održati? Šta to tačno znači "raditi na njoj"?

Mislim da su osnovna dva stožera ljubavi: komunikacija i intimnost. Ako jedno nemate, ljubav ne može opstati. Pod komunikacijom podrazumevam puno toga. Poštovanje, poverenje, dogovaranje, zajedničko pravljenje planova, podrška, rad na problemima. Postoje veze u kojima partneri imaju sve to, ali nemaju kvalitetan intiman život. To su onda drugari, za koje se samo kaže da su zajedno, i koji verovatno neće moći dugo tako da opstanu. Ili hoće, ali sa nečijim izletima u poligamiju. Sa druge strane, znala sam parove u kojima sve pršti od strasti, ali oni jednostavno ne dele ništa više od toga. To su one zavisničke, hormonske veze koje, kao i svaka zavisnost, nikako nisu funkcionalne. 

Jedna starija žena mi je jednom rekla: "Aleksandra, sve se svede na to da on, posle toliko godina, ume da te nasmeje!" I ja se slažem sa tim, jer je to samo drugim rečima rečeno ono od malopre. Ako nemate komunikaciju, nećete ni znati kako jedno drugo da nasmejete. Ako nemate intimu, bićete previše frustrirani da biste i znali iskreno zajedno da se smejete.


Naravno, život nam ne dozvoljava svakodnevno da zasmejavamo svog partnera. Ali, ako to sebi postavimo kao opšti cilj (sa uspešnom komunikacijom i intimnošću kao nužnim preduslovima), znaćemo kuda da vodimo svoju ljubav, i kako da na njoj radimo! 

I zato vam želim puno smeha. Onog iskrenog, iz duše!

A kako vi održavate vašu ljubav?

English version

I realised that I spend a lot of time thinking about love. Maybe it`s because I`m a woman, or because I`m a psychologist, because I`m analytical? Either way, I often exchange opinions about this topic. To some it`s pathetic, or a waste of time, but is there anything more lively than love?

And when we talk about it, we often raise the question: how to keep love when it happens?


In the beginning it is a crush, or "falling in love like a fool". You don`t see anything bad in other person, you just see him and nobvody else, and you can hardly accept that somebody or something can mess up all that intensity of strong feelings. You are constantly directed towards having a good time with him. There is no place for the inevitable unpleasant things, or they were ignored. Butterflies in the stomach, goosebumps in my arms. As if you are in another dimension. And than being in love comes, which is not as intensive, but it`s more durable, safer, more functional. In that description love turns out to be boring, not to be wished for. One can want only to fall in love in life. That`s why I have found a perfect solution: to be in love, but also to fall in love occasionally. With the same person :) It`s not easy, and you must work on it, but it pays off. Now some of you would probably think "love must be spontaneous, you don`t have to work on it". Yes, it happens spontaneously, but in order for it to last, you need to cherish it, caress it, and there`s nothing wrong with that. Because, otherwise, each one of us would one day, when awaken with the thought "maybe I don`t love him that much today" (which is normal), run away, from the wrong belief that love must be strong every day, and that it`s something that is 100% spontaneous.


And then, how to keep it? What exactly means "to work on love"?

I think that two basic elements of love are communication and intimacy. If you don`t have one, love can not last for long. And by communication I mean lots of things. Respect, trust, agreement, making of joint plans, support, work on problems. There are relationships in which partners have all that, but they don`t have a quality intimate life. Those are friends then, for whom you can just say that they are together, and who probably won`t last long. Or they will, but with someone`s excursion to poligamy. On the other side, I knew couples with whom everything is firey from passion, but they just don`t share anything more than that. Those are dependent, hormonal types of relationships, which are not functional.


One older woman once told me "Aleksandra, it all comes to the fact that, after so many years, he can make you laugh". And I agree with that, because it is the same from before mentioned, only with other words. If you don`t have communication, you won`t know how to make each other laugh. If you don`t have intimacy, you`ll be frustrated to laugh honestly.


Of course, life won`t let us laugh with our partner every day. However, if we make that as our general goal (with successful communication and intimacy as essential preconditions), we`ll know where to lead our love, and how to work on it.


That`s why I wish you lots of laugh. The honest one, from you heart.


And how do you keep your love?


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