CreaCtive way of life: Kada smo zaljubljeni, a kada volimo? //// When do we have a crush on somebody, and do we love?

Kada sam ušla u blogosvet vodila sam dva bloga. Mnoge od vas tada nisam ni poznavala. A na tom drugom blogu jedno vreme sam često pisala i takvi postovi su uvek nailazili na dobar odziv. Ne mislim da je to toliko zbog nekog mog posebnog načina pisanja, koliko zbog aktuelnosti tema u kojima svi mogu da se pronađu. I jako mi je prijalo da kroz vaše komentare nastavljam diskusiju i razmenjujem mišljenja. Neke od tih postova bih volela da, doduše dorađene, predstavim i ovde u narednom periodu. I jedva čekam da o njima prodiskutujemo u komentarima, ili na neki drugi način.

Danas bih pisala o uvek aktuelnim temama: zaljubljenosti i ljubavi... Teme koje su toliko rabljene, za mnoge imaju možda i prizvuk patetike, ali opet uvek su aktuelne, životne i emotivno iziskujuće. A da li su ljubav i zaljubljenost u stvari jedno te isto? Ako nisu, da li nastankom jedne, prestaje da postoji ova druga? Jedan poznati novosadski psiholog je jednom prilikom rekao: "u zaljubljenosti ti tražiš nekoga da sa njim PROživiš, a u ljubavi da PREživiš". I ja se sa tim u potpunosti slažem. Kada sam se zaljubiljivala samo sam bila usmerena na to kako da se dobro provedem sa tim momkom, kako da nam bude lepo. Neminovnim neprijatnim stvarima tu nekako nije bilo mesta. Ili su bile ignorisane. Leptirići u stomaku, žmarci u rukama. Kao da si u nekoj drugoj dimenziji.

A u ljubavi su, opet, najvažnije sigurnost, podrška, razumevanje, komunikacija. Vrednosti o kojima u "proživljavanju" ni ne razmišljamo. No, mislim da i ovde postoji "kvaka 22", jer ako se usmerimo samo na ove prethodno opisane vrednosti, opet nije dobro. Ne smeju se zaboraviti ni intimnost i (barem povremeni) dobar zajednički provod. Što me dovodi do nekog ličnog zaključka da su dva osnovna stožera uspešne ljubavi: komunikacija (i sve što ona podrazumeva: razumevanje, podrška, razgovori..) i intimnost. Jedno bez drugog ne idu, a i ljubav bez oba ne može da opstane.

Da se vratimo na zaljubljenost... Još jedan moj edukator opisao ju je kao "patološko emocionalno slepilo sa selektivnom pažnjom". Ili, po naški rečeno: "zaljubljena do ušiju ili zaljubljena kao ćurka". Ne vidiš loše strane druge osobe, vidiš samo njega i nikoga drugog, i teško prihvataš bilo šta ili bilo koga ko može da ti umanji tu silinu predivnih osećanja koja nosiš u sebi.

Kažu da se prvo zaljubimo, pa onda pređemo u ljubav. Zaljubljenost je intenzivna, usmerena samo na pozitivno kod druge osobe. Onda dođe ljubav, koja nije baš toliko intenzivna, ali je dugotrajnija, sigurnija, funkcionalnija. U takvom opisu ljubav ispade dosadna, za ne poželeti. Čoveku prosto dođe da stalno bude samo zaljubljen. E zato sam ja našla savršeno rešenje: voleti, biti u ljubavi, ali povremeno održavati i zaljubljenost :) Nije lako, i povremeno treba to održavati takvim, ali se isplati.

Sada će sigurno neki od vas reći "ljubav treba da bude spontana, na njoj ne treba raditi". Da, ona se DESI spontano, ali da bi trajala, treba je zalivati, negovati, i tu nema ničeg ružnog. Jer u suprotnom, svako od nas će, kad se jednog dana probudi i pomisli "Bože, pa da li ga ja danas volim" (što je normalna pojava), pobeći glavom bez obzira, a zbog pogrešnog uverenja da ljubav mora biti jaka svakog dana, i da je to 100% stihijska pojava.

A ljubav je posebno na testu kad porodicu proširite za još jednog člana. Roditeljstvo u početku ne dozvoljava puno vremena za spontanu pažnju između supružnika, i mami da se prepustiš stihiji, te vrlo često usput sebe izgubiš. Izgubiš VAS! Zato je po meni važno osvestiti da je to moguće, o tome pričati, i ne paničiti. Brzo prođe period kada vam je beba mala. Biće ponovo puno vremena za "vas".

English version

When I entered the blog world, I was running two blogs. A lot of you I didn`t even know. On that other blog I was often writing about different topics, and those posts were often very well accepted. Not specifically because of my way of writing, but more because of the fact that those topics were current and popular. And I really enjoyed in continuing the discussions with you in comments.

Some of those posts I would like to show you again, slightly changed. I can`t wait to discuss them with you again.

So, here we are at the story about falling in love and being in love.. One famous psychologist from my town has once said: "when you are falling in love you look for someone to have a good time with, but when you are IN love you look for someone to have a security with". And it really is like that. When I was falling in love with somebody, I was constantly directed towards having a good time with him. There was no place for the inevitable unpleasant things, or they were ignored. Butterflies in the stomach, goosebumps in my arms. As if I was in another dimension..

And in love the most important things are security, support, understanding, communication. The values which in "having a good time" we don`t even think about. Anyway, I think that here we have a "catch 22", because if we pay attention only on those values, it`s not good also. You can`t forget about intimacy and (at least occasional) good night out. Which leads me to my personal conclusion that two basis of a successful love are: communication (and everything that it means: understanding, support, dialogue...) and intimacy. One can`t go without the other, and love can`t succeed without both.

Let`s go back to falling in love... Another of my educators has described it as "pathological emotional blindness with a selective attention". Or, in everyday words: fall in love like a fool. You don`t see the bad side of the person, you just see him and nobody else and you hardly accept anything or anything that can get in the way of all that emotional intensity you have in you.

They say that first we fall in love and than we are IN love. Falling in love is intensive, directed only on a positive in one person. And than being in love comes, which is not as intensive, but it`s more durable, safer, more functional. In that description love turns out to be boring, not to be wished for. One can want only to fall in love in life. That`s why I have found a perfect solution: to be in love, but also to fall in love occasionally. With the same person :) It`s not easy, and you must work on it, but it pays off. Now some of you would probably think "love must be spontaneous, you don`t have to work on it". Yes, it happens spontaneously, but in order for it to last, you need to cherish it, caress it, and there`s nothing wrong with that. Because, otherwise, each one of us would one day, when awaken with the thought "maybe I don`t love him that much today" (which is normal), run away, from the wrong belief that love must be strong every day, and that it`s something that is 100% spontaneous.
And love is especially on test when you expand your family with one more member. Parenting in the beginning doesn`t let you with enough time for the two of you, and it easily takes you to the routine, so that you can lose yourself somewhere along the way. Lose the TWO OF YOU! That`s why I think it`s important to be aware that it`s possible, to talk about it, and don`t panic. That period when your baby is little passes so quickly. You`ll have enough time for the two of you in a blink of an eye.